Press and Prejudice
by Mrs. Twelvetrees
Summary: Yes Minister. Jim Hacker has to deal with a leak among his staff, which turns out to be more complicated than it seems.
1. A question of leaks

DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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**Press and Prejudice**

(set during Yes Minister)

(Jim Hacker's office; Jim is sitting behind his desk, looking at papers and sighing. Sir Humphrey enters through the door on the far side of the room (door 1). Jim looks relieved.)

Jim:

"Ah, Humphrey."

Humphrey:

"Minister."

(Humphrey hurries past Jim's desk and leaves through the door closest to the desk (door 2). Jim looks puzzled, then he sighs and starts looking worriedly at the papers again. Bernard enters the office through door 1. Jim looks relieved.)

Jim:

"Ah, good morning, Bernard."

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, good morning, Minister."

(Bernard leaves through door 2. Jim looks even more puzzled. Irritated, he starts going through the papers again. Then door 2 bursts open and Bernard and Humphrey hurry past the desk again. Jim looks up.)

Jim:

"Humphrey! Bernard!"

H & B:

"Minister."

(Humphrey and Bernard leave through door 1, but before they can close the door behind them, Jim calles them back.)

Jim:

"Wait, wait, wait! Come back in here!"

(Bernard sticks his head through the door opening.)

Bernard:

"Yes, Minister?"

Jim:

"In here, Bernard! And you too, Humphrey! I'd like a word with you."

(Humphrey and Bernard come into the office and Bernard closes the door behind them. Then they stand in front of Jim's desk.)

Humphrey:

"Yes, Minister, what is it now?"

Jim:

"Humphrey, I would like you to fill me in on certain, erm, aspects of these reports here."

Humphrey:

"Very well, Minister. And which aspects did you have in mind?"

Jim:

"Well, erm, to be completely frank with you, Humphrey…all, erm, aspects?"

Humphrey:

"Really, Minister! Do you expect me to have time for this sort of thing now?"

Jim:

"You're supposed to help me with this sort of thing, Humphrey!"

Humphrey:

"I am fully aware of that, Minister, but we're in the middle of a civil service crisis here! One of our colleagues has gone blabbing to the press about how we, erm…summarized the figures on the amount of toxic waste from certain factories…"

Bernard:

"Excuse me, Sir Humphrey, but 'summarize' isn't really the right word here. You see, 'to summarize' means…"

Humphrey:

"I know what it means, thank you, Bernard!"

Jim:

"Yes, for heaven's sake, Bernard, will you stick to the point for once? But that's terrible, Humphrey! One of my civil servants gone blabbing to the press? It's, it's a civil service crisis, that's what it is!"

Humphrey:

"That's what I just said, Minister."

Jim:

"Well, yes, quite. But it is, isn't it?"

Humphrey:

"Yes, Minister."

Jim:

"Whatever can we do about it? I mean, not just the fact that this got through to the press, but that one of my civil servants has gone…bad! I'm simply…"

Bernard:

"…appalled, Minister?"

Jim:

"Oh, good God, Bernard, don't start that all over again."

Bernard:

"Sorry, Minister."

Humphrey:

"Excuse me, Minister, but to the question of what we can do about it, I can only answer that he who is responsible for, or indeed superior to, the person in question who ought to be reprimanded, is the one who should, in fact, from my point of view, be the one who ought to take responsibility for the reprimanding of the person in question that ought to take place."

Jim:

"Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Minister?"

Jim:

"He's talking nonsense again."

(Bernard looks from Jim to Humphrey. Humphrey rolls his eyes.)

Bernard:

"Erm, excuse me, Minister?"

Jim:

"What does he mean?"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, he means you should reprimand the civil servant that leaked to the press."

Humphrey:

"I should think I had made that quite obvious."

Jim:

"Me?"

Humphrey:

"But of course, Minister. We're your civil servants. You're our master, so it is your duty to reprimand us when we've done wrong."

(Bernard suppresses a fit of laughter)

Jim:

"Are you alright, Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, yes, Minister."

Jim:

"Good. But Humphrey, how should I go about this? Tell him he's been a very naughty boy and he shouldn't do it again?"

Humphrey:

"Of course not, Minister."

Jim:

"Then what? Sack him?"

Humphrey:

"Really, Minister!"

Jim:

"Well, what then? The press knows we've been fiddling with the figures! How on earth are we going to put it right again? You come up with a suggestion, come on!"

Humphrey:

"Well…"

(Humphrey remains silent.)

Bernard:

"May I suggest something, Minister?"

Humphrey:

"You, Bernard? Surely you won't be…"

Jim:

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Humphrey! You didn't happen to have any suggestions, did you?"

Humphrey:

"Well, no, Minister, but…"

Jim:

"Then why shouldn't Bernard have a go at it?"

Humphrey:

"Well, I'm his superior, Minister. Surely, if I can't come up with anything, he certainly won't."

Jim:

"Nonsense, Humphrey! You're just afraid Bernard will come up with something brilliant."

Humphrey:

"Oh, out of the question, Minister."

Jim:

"Good. Yes, Bernard, you may."

Bernard:

"Erm, oh, yes, thank you, Minister. Well, I thought we might, erm, well, basically, make him leak to the press that, erm, well, that there was nothing wrong with the toxic waste figures in the first place."

Humphrey:

"Oh, come on, Bernard. If everything were as simple as that…"

Jim:

"No, no, no, Humphrey. Bernard!"

Bernard:

"Yes, Minister?"

Jim:

"It's brilliant!"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, thank you, Minister."

Jim:

"Yes, Humphrey, don't you see? That's it! If he can leak to the press what we've done wrong, he can also leak what we've done right! It's worth a try, at least!"

Humphrey:

"Well…I…I'm not, I…"

Jim:

"Any better suggestions, Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

"But…"

Jim:

"Good. Bernard, get me an appointment with our leak this afternoon, will you?"

Bernard:

"Yes, Minister."

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_...to be continued._


	2. Mops at the ready

DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(Jim Hacker's office, later that afternoon; Jim is looking at some papers again, Bernard comes in through door 1.)

Bernard:

"Erm, excuse me, Minister. Robert Gulliver is here to see you."

Jim:

"Ah, good, Bernard. Thank you."

(Mr Gulliver enters the office, Bernard leaves again through door 1.)

Jim:

"Excellent. Won't you sit down, Mr Leak? I mean Cauliflower. Gulliver! I'm sorry. Gulliver."

(Gulliver looks a bit annoyed, but sits down.)

Gulliver:

"Thank you, Minister."

Jim:

"Splendid. Now, look here Gulliver…"

(Sir Humphrey enters through door 1.)

Humphrey:

"Ah, good afternoon. Mind if I join you, Minister?"

Jim:

"Well, actually, Humphrey, I'm talking to Mr Gulliver at the moment, so if you'd be so kind…"

Humphrey:

"Of course, Minister. Splendid."

(Humphrey sits down on Bernard's chair.)

Jim:

"Yes, well, quite. As I was saying, Gulliver…erm, what was I saying?"

Gulliver:

"Well, you hadn't actually started yet, Minister."

Jim:

"No. No, erm, right. Yes, I want to talk to you about the, erm, toxic waste figures?"

(silence)

Gulliver:

"Yes, Minister?"

Jim:

"Well, erm…"

(silence)

Humphrey:

"If I may, Minister?"

(Jim nods embarrassedly at Humphrey.)

Humphrey:

"Thank you. Now look here, Gulliver, what the Minister is trying to say is that we are aware of the fact that the press got wind of, erm, certain aspects of the toxic waste figures the DAA recently published, through you."

Gulliver:

"I'm sorry, Sir Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

"Well, to put it plainly…"

Jim:

"You? Plainly?"

Humphrey:

(louder) "…although it is not my usual way of going about it: we know you're a leak, Gulliver."

(Jim and Humphrey both look at Gulliver with very strict looks on their faces. Gulliver starts staring at his knees.)

Jim:

"Now, we don't want any technical details from you or anything of the sort, but I'd like to make perfectly clear to you that this is…a reprimand."

Gulliver:

(weakly) "Yes, Minister."

Humphrey:

"Very good. Don't do it again, thank you, goodbye."

(Humphrey gets up from his chair quickly and reaches out to shake Gulliver's hand.)

Jim:

"No, no, no, just a minute, Humphrey! That wasn't all!"

(Humphrey sits down again. He is not pleased.)

Humphrey:

(threateningly, as if to a small child that is about to do something naughty) "Minister…"

Jim:

(to Gulliver) "You have placed both the DAA and the civil service in quite an embarrassing situation."

Gulliver:

"Yes, Minister."

Jim:

"So, now I'm telling you to put it right again. I need you to tell the press that you lied about those figures."

(Door 1 opens and Bernard sticks his head through the door opening.)

Bernard:

"Don't you mean 'lied about the lies about those figures', Minister? You see, if you've got the figures that were lied about in the first place and then you want him to lie about the lying about the figures, so you'd want him to lie about the lying, or rather, in short, say that the figures weren't lied about at all."

(Jim, Humphrey and Gulliver are staring at Bernard.)

Jim:

"Get Sir Humphrey and me a cup of tea, will you Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Erm, yes, Minister."

(Bernard leaves and shuts the door.)

Jim:

"Anyway, I want you to tell the press that you lied to them."

Gulliver:

"But I didn't!"

Jim:

"Oh, for heaven's sake, man! You're a civil servant!"

Humphrey:

"And what is that supposed to mean, Minister?"

Jim:

"Oh, Humphrey! I think I know how it works by now… Telling lies about the truth, telling the truth about lies…it must be all the same to you?"

Humphrey:

"Minister, if you're suggesting…"

Jim:

"Humphrey, pull yourself together! If this isn't stopped, the reputation of the civil service will be damaged too, you know. Or whatever is left of it…"

(Humphrey looks extremely offended, but says nothing.)

Jim:

"Right, so that's settled then. Try to come up with some ideas as to how we'll go about it and I'll see you tomorrow afternoon in my office. Agreed, Gulliver?"

Gulliver:

(sulkily) "Yes, Minister."

(Jim and Gulliver shake hands, then Gulliver leaves through door 1. Bernard enters with a tea tray and sits down in Humphrey's chair. Humphrey gets up from Bernard's chair.)

Humphrey:

"Thank you, Bernard."

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, yes, Sir Humphrey."

(Bernard gets up and he and Humphrey switch seats.)

Jim:

(happily) "I feel as if it's going to work, Bernard."

Bernard:

"Erm, Minister?"

Jim:

(even more enthusiastically) "Your plan! By tomorrow evening we'll get Gulliver to pull back all his, erm, leakage."

Bernard:

(with elaborate gestures) "With all due respect, Minister, you can't actually pull leakage back, you see, leakage is fluid and you cannot pull back something that is fluid, you see, you cannot actuallygrip…"

H & J:

"Yes, thank you, Bernard."

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_...to be continued._


	3. The sound of running water

DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(Arnold's office, the next morning; Arnold is sitting behind his desk and Humphrey is sitting in front of it, looking extremely pale and sweaty.)

Arnold:

"It seems you have been making a bit of a mess of things, Humpy."

Humphrey:

(with quivering voice) "Arnold?"

Arnold:

"I have heard that your minister came up with another…plan."

(Humphrey swallows and looks as if he is going to faint.)

Arnold:

"Well, Humpy?"

Humphrey:

(starting to panic) "I, well, I… You see, Arnold, it's not my fault, I mean, it wasn't really the minister's idea. Nor mine! It's not actually me you should be blaming for this."

Arnold:

"Ah, so another one of our colleagues has come up with this preposterous scheme, is that right?"

Humphrey:

(relieved) "Exactly, Arnold."

Arnold:

"Well, I'd understand if you don't want to tell me whose idea it was, but…"

Humphrey:

(eagerly) "It was Bernard's."

Arnold:

"Bernard's!

Humphrey:

"I know, yes. I warned him not to say anything about the matter, but the minister insisted on hearing what he wanted to say about it."

Arnold:

"Good God, Humpy! This is a disaster! I'll have to talk to Bernard about this…"

(Arnold picks up the receiver of the telephone and dials.)

Arnold:

"Bernard? Sir Arnold here. Yes, I want you in my office at once. Now!"

(Arnold puts down the receiver.)

Arnold:

"He's on his way now. You see, Humpy, as a member of the civil service, leaking confidential information to the press is one thing, I mean, it damages the minister's reputation more than ours, but taking it back again…that actually implies that civil servants are lying scoundrels!"

Humphrey:

"Absolutely, Arnold! It would blow our cover completely!"

(Arnold gives Humphrey a reproachful look. Humphrey cringes.)

Humphrey:

"I mean, not that we actually are…"

Arnold:

"Yes, thank you, Humphrey."

(Someone knocks on the door of the office.)

Arnold:

"Enter!"

(Bernard enters rather shyly.)

Bernard:

"Good morning. You, erm, wanted to see me, Sir Arnold?"

Arnold:

"Yes, Bernard. Pull up a chair."

(Bernard gets a chair from a corner of the office and puts it down beside Humphrey's chair. He sits down and looks at Humphrey, who looks back at him rather haughtily.)

Arnold:

"Now then, Bernard. I understand that you came up with an idea, is that right?"

Bernard:

"May I ask what idea you are referring to, Sir Arnold?"

Arnold:

"Maybe you should tell him, Humphrey."

Humphrey:

"With pleasure, Arnold. Look here, Bernard, Sir Arnold is referring to the plan you suggested to the minister regarding Robert Gulliver."

Bernard:

"Ah, yes, that's right. We found out that Gulliver had leaked confidential information to the press about the, erm, toxic waste figures and how the DAA, erm, presented them from a more flattering angle. I thought it would be a good idea to make Gulliver tell the press that he was wrong about the whole thing."

Arnold:

"Exactly, Bernard. And I'm not too pleased with it, I must say!"

Bernard:

(confused) "You're not?"

Humphrey:

"Bernard, have you any idea what damage would be caused if civil servants actually started admitting the fact that they're lying scoundrels!"

(Arnold gives Humphrey a very VERY reproachful look.)

Humphrey:

"I, I mean, I didn't…"

Arnold:

(rather loudly) "What Humphrey means, is that the civil service is supposed to be, or at least supposed to appear to be…sound."

Bernard:

"But what about the press knowing all about what happened to the toxic waste figures?"

Arnold:

"My dear Bernard, that's the minister's problem! Hacker will take all the blame for the DAA blunders, but who would be in trouble if your plan was carried out?"

Bernard:

"Ah, I see. The civil service."

Arnold:

"Exactly. And we can't have that, can we?"

Bernard:

"Erm, no, Sir Arnold."

Arnold:

"Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

(meekly) "No, Arnold, of course not."

Arnold:

"Good. Well done. That will be all. You know what to do."

(Humphrey and Bernard exchange confused looks.)

Humphrey:

"Erm, excuse me, Arnold, but…what exactly had you in mind?"

Arnold:

(irritated) "Well, what do you think, man? Change Hacker's mind about the matter! For heaven's sake, Humphrey, it's only a little minister!"

Bernard:

"Erm, but, you see, Sir Arnold, the minister actually really likes, erm, my idea. He wants Gulliver to talk to the press today…"

Arnold:

"So you make him dislike the idea! Humphrey, surely **you** can think of a way?"

Humphrey:

"Well, to be honest, Arnold…"

Arnold:

"What is the thing Hacker feels most strongly about? Apart from just votes, I mean. What was the first change he wanted to carry out when he became minister of the DAA?"

Humphrey:

(suppressing the urge to shout 'Eureka!') "Open government!"

Arnold:

"Very good, Humpy."

(Bernard emits a tiny giggle, Humphrey throws him a very nasty look.)

Arnold:

"Use this open government business to change his mind. I'm sure you'll do very well."

Humphrey:

"Thank you, Arnold. Well, Bernard, shall we pay the minister a visit in his office and give him some, erm…advice?"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, yes, Sir Humpy. I mean Humphrey!"

(Humphrey glares at Bernard.)

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_...to be continued._


	4. Fixing the hole

DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(Jim Hacker's office; Jim is sitting behind his desk, looking at a big stack of paper with a rather desperate look on his face, when someone knocks on the door.)

Jim:

"Enter!"

(Bernard comes in through door 1.)

Bernard:

"Erm, Minister, Sir Humphrey is here. He'd like a word with you."

Jim:

"Yes, alright, let him in, Bernard."

(Bernard holds the door open for Humphrey as he enters the office.)

Humphrey:

"Good morning, Minister."

Jim:

"Morning, Humphrey. Sit down, please, both of you."

(Bernard closes the door, then Humphrey and Bernard sit down on their chairs.)

Jim:

"Right, Humphrey. What is it you wanted to discuss?"

Humphrey:

"Well, actually, Minister, it's about the Gulliver matter."

Jim:

"Ah, yes. He's coming over this afternoon, and by tonight we'll all be in the clear."

Humphrey:

"Yes, you see, Minister, that's what I'm concerned about."

Jim:

"Concerned? Whatever do you mean, Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

"Well, I was wondering whether this hushing-up mentality can go hand in hand with your open government principles, you see?"

Jim:

"I'm sorry?"

Humphrey:

"You are very much a man of principles, aren't you, Minister?"

Jim:

"Well, erm, well, erm…well, yes, yes, of course I am, Humphrey. Nothing more important! It is never too early, or indeed too late…for some good principles! That's my motto!"

Humphrey:

"Yes, come to think of it, when I called you last night about your red boxes, you did sound as if you had helped yourself to a reasonable quantity of 'principles' already. New brand from the shelf next to Teacher's, was it?"

Jim:

"I was celebrating Bernard's plan, Humphrey. And I hope you're not suggesting I'm a…"

Humphrey:

"Of course not, Minister! But what I was about to say is that you, as a man of principles, really ought to admit that the toxic waste figures have been meddled with, don't you agree? Open government and all that…"

Jim:

"Yes. No! I mean, but what about…" (whispering) "…what about my votes?"

Humphrey:

"Oh, Minister… Try to look at it from a different perspective. Honestly admitting you have made a mistake can **also** be a most effective vote-winner! Not to mention a victory for principle. After all, those who with true sorrow confess their sins, shall receive absolution…"

Jim:

"Yes…I see what you mean, Humphrey."

Bernard:

"Amen."

Jim:

"I'm sorry, Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, nothing, Minister."

Jim:

"Good. Yes, I think I will take your advice, Humphrey. I'm sorry, Bernard, but your plan's off, I'm afraid."

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, that's alright, Minister."

Jim:

"By the way, Humphrey, where were you this morning?"

(Humphrey suddenly looks very pale again.)

Humphrey:

"Minister?"

Jim:

"This morning, where were you?"

Humphrey:

"I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, Minister."

(Jim looks very confused.)

Jim:

"Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Yes, Minister?"

Jim:

"Didn't I just ask Sir Humphrey a perfectly straight question?"

Bernard:

"Erm, yes, indeed, you did, Minister."

Jim:

"Then why doesn't he answer?"

(Bernard starts staring at his knees.)

Jim:

"Well!"

Bernard:

"Because you just asked Sir Humphrey a perfectly straight question, Minister."

(Humphrey turns his head towards Bernard, looking furious.)

Humphrey:

"What exactly are you suggesting, Bernard?"

Bernard:

(sounding frightened) "Nothing, Sir Humphrey, just that…"

Jim:

(laughing) "Oh, stop it, you two! It is true, you know, Humphrey. You have never given me an answer to a straight question, let alone a straight answer to a straight question."

Humphrey:

"Minister, I…"

Jim:

"Humphrey. Indulge me and for once, just for once…answer my question. And I mean without sounding as if you have just swallowed an encyclopedia, and without trying to distract me from what I want to know. Where were you this morning?"

(Now Humphrey starts staring at his knees.)

Jim:

(extremely loudly, while hitting the desk with his hands) "Humphrey!"

Humphrey:

(loudly, with quivering voice) "I was in Arnold's office! And so was Bernard! There! You know! Are you happy now!"

Jim:

"So that's were you got this absurd confession idea from! Arnold told you to make me stop Gulliver's new press release. Why, Humphrey?"

(Humphrey is staring at his knees again, his hands are trembling slightly.)

Jim:

"Oh, for goodness sake…Bernard, you tell me."

(Bernard smiles for a second at the sight of Humphrey.)

Bernard:

(calmly) "Yes, Minister. Because, if Gulliver takes back what he said earlier, people will think the civil service are a bunch of, as Sir Arnold put it, lying scoundrels."

Jim:

"Well, everybody knows that!"

(Humphrey snaps out of his knee-staring trance.)

Humphrey:

"Minister, I beg you not to make Gulliver talk to the press again! I implore you!"

Jim:

"Why? Because Arnold will smack your bottom if you don't get this idea out of my head?"

Humphrey:

"Really, Minister!"

Jim:

"I didn't mean literally, Humphrey! But alright…I guess I might be able to do you a favour… Mind you, I'd want that favour returned."

Humphrey:

(clasping his hands) "Anything you say, Minister!"

Jim:

(pointing at the stack of paper on his desk) "I want you to explain every single aspect of these reports to me, like I asked you before. No exceptions. After all, you want me to keep informed of everything that goes on here, don't you, Humphrey? Do we agree on this?"

(Humphrey doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Bernard is smiling.)

Humphrey:

"Yes, Minister."

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_I want to dedicate this little story (for what it's worth) to Claire, for having inspired me to write this, and to Paul Eddington, Sir Nigel Hawthorne and Derek Fowlds, for their brilliant performances in Yes Minister._


End file.
